Moving Day is Looming

Moving day is drawing close upon me; my lease is up at the end of this month.

I have no help to move which leaves me no choice but to do it by myself. I can’t afford movers so I have to physically get all my furniture on a truck by myself and then unload it by myself. My new apartment is on the third floor with no elevator. I laid awake last night thinking of how I can get a washer and dryer up three flights of stairs by myself. I don’t know where to buy those mover’s strap thingies that are made for appliances. I’ll have to look that up online.

Self pity (formerly my favorite place to live) would be a nice place to wallow in about now but I no longer have the luxury or the desire to waste all that precious time and energy. It doesn’t get anything done. Instead, I choose to turn what could be a devastating negative into a proud positive.

This move has helped me to realize some soul things that require serious, immediate attention.

First: I realized I have no place to put this worry, this stress over moving, so it has become literally and figuratively lodged in my throat. In thinking about it, however, I realized that what I thought was worry, was really fear. Fear that was unrelated to the move. I realized I am really scared of living on my own. I have existed for the past two years but I haven’t really lived. I don’t know how to do it. I had never really acknowledged to myself just how frightening it is that I have to depend upon myself. There is no knight in shining armor to rescue me. There is no shoulder I can lean upon. There is only me and in the past, “…and in the past…” See? I refuse to go any further with that thought. I almost slipped back into that tired old refrain I blogged about just a few days ago; it wants to revive its former glory and suck me back into a negative thought pattern. I won’t let it. So, now I will depend on myself to get done whatever I need to get done. I will move my washer and dryer. Somehow. I’ll find a way and when I do, I’ll be proud of what I accomplished on my own. By myself.

Second: I am surprised to find I’m very angry both with someone long gone from my life and with myself. I’m angry about what happened all those years ago and I’m angry that I kept myself a victim for all these years. Double anger – wow, that’s pretty potent stuff. Thinking like a victim is what led me to the fearful state I was in until just recently. I am no longer helpless. I am not a victim of anything, anymore, ever again from here on out.

Third: People change. Friends come and go. Relationships aren’t guaranteed to last. Nothing, except spirit, is forever. For all my impulsivity, I find I tend to take things, people, and relationships for granted – like their lives and needs are just as static as mine were. I was always surprised when things changed because I used to never see change happening to, in front of, and around me. I’m evolving into a much more aware person since dropping the veil of victimization.

Today’s blog is simply the awareness, the acknowledgement of my truth: recognizing what has kept me from living a full and happy life is incredibly liberating. I’m now free to choose my path.

Will I continue to trudge along the bricks of self-pity or will I sail upon a sea of personal strength? Will I continue to hide in self-doubt or will I glow with assurance? Will I continue to swallow my words, or will I allow my voice to flow freely through my novels?

Yes, moving day is looming. Pack up and keep the good stuff, throw out the broken and worthless junk. I think I’ll set aside one box and label it “Junk from the Past.” As I’m packing and come across something that triggers a negative emotion, I’ll write down what the emotion/memory is and why the object makes me feel like that. I’ll drop each one of those written negative thoughts in the box and when I’m done packing, I’ll have a ceremonial burning. Hmmmm, I'm actually looking forward to this part of moving!

Until next time,

“I have seen the sea when it is stormy and wild; when it is quiet and serene; when it is dark and moody. And in all its moods, I see myself.” ~ Martin Buxbaum